Owning My Trainwreck

L post

It’s been nearly a month since my last update, which means that Steve Martin and I are about to cross the three month mark. While I went into this blog project with C hoping to meet someone after essentially a decade of singleness, I wasn’t expecting to actually land a mega-babe and experience what is without a doubt my first partnership with a man. This is the first time in who knows how long that I can’t see an end-date or something that would make me cut and run. You might assume that in and of itself would make me want to cut and run, but it doesn’t. That being said, it isn’t all roses and it almost entirely has to do with my isms and deep dark fears, most of which came spilling out on a sidewalk of sobbing the other night.

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Spoilers about Trainwreck ahead – consider yourselves warned!

Steve Martin and I had tickets to see the first movie in years I’ve seen opening day, Trainwreck, because I was pretty sure it’s the first and only movie that’s ever featured a character I could really, truly relate to. Sure, Nora Ephron has written some knockouts and I love so many rom com babes, but there’s just something about the way Amy Schumer owns her life and body and choices that makes me want to drink white wine and say “yassssss queen.” I had a hunch on the way it all would play out would be all too familiar (based on the trailer and articles I gobbled up prior to its release), but I wasn’t expecting it to hit so shockingly close to home that I erupted in tears after exiting the theater.

You guys, I laughed my ass of during this movie. I would go see it again in a heartbeat. But something that happened in it made my skin crawl and made my stomach sink and scared me silly. As you might gather from the premise, Amy’s character has a long history of casual relationships and it’s not a thing that she hides from her love interest in the movie. He seems to embrace it and not really pay it any mind because it has nothing to do with their current relationship. Then, during their first fight, he throws in her face her prior history and a few other “less than desirable” traits.

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It was the last thing I was expecting. I sat there stunned in the theater trying to keep it together as I flashed back to The One Who Got Away hurling those same words and thoughts and feelings at me during our first fight. Before that moment, Amy’s movie boyfriend hadn’t payed her past any mind in the same way that TOWGA hadn’t payed my past any mind. It all came out of the blue as the lowest of low blows.

Since that moment in my life, I’ve made a very deliberate choice to own my history and my experiences and my choices. Any man who gave a shit about “my number” was promptly dismissed from the roster, and any friend who paused before laughing at one of my stories or god forbid tried to scold me had the same fate.

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Cut to the movie’s conclusion, with Amy doing a full song and dance (literally) to win the boyfriend back. She was left fighting to prove that she was good enough for him. Yes, you read that right. Are you pissed? I was pissed.

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I walked out of the theater and was just overall overwhelmed. It all hit too close to home and left me terrified. Would this be what would happen with Steve Martin? Would he come to resent the many glasses of wine I consume or the many men that make up my dating history? I’ve had a man I thought was perfect point out what he considered my personal flaws and use them against me and against our relationship.

As I completely fell apart into Steve Martin’s chest outlining these thoughts and fears and predictions for our future, he promised this would never be the case for us and for him. My past isn’t something he would ever use against me, and it’s not something he considers when considering me and our relationship. And he wasn’t just saying that to get me to stop crying in public, he was saying it because he actually means it. Weird, I know.

Like I said at the start of this post, I went into this blog project with C hoping to meet someone after essentially a decade of singleness. I wasn’t expecting to actually land a mega-babe and experience what is without a doubt my first partnership with a man. A man who actually and completely loves me because of who I am, not despite who I am.

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