Dating 101 : Don’t Get Drunk

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Turns out I date men who love alcohol.

I blame it on the 20-something culture where being social means you’re drinking. Gloss over any state of discomfort with booze and you are golden.

Whatever the case, I’ve been with my fair share of men that had an unhealthy relationship with booze. Now, don’t get my wrong, I am known to imbibe. I have a weak spot for whiskey and beer, and it’s hard for me to turn down an invitation to grab drinks. That being said, I know my family history, I’ve heard the horror stories, and my type A personality has a firm grasp on where to draw the line. Approximately three times a year I put myself on a cleanse, which basically means I abstain from alcohol for a month, existing on a diet of vegetables, eggs, and little else. Fuck yeah I feel amazing. Fuck no it’s not sustainable. If there were ever a time to throw up one of those cliché cartoon magnets that says “life is too short to not eat chocolate and drink wine”, it would be now.

I recently met a man and we set our first date at a nearby pub. The banter was friendly, I was pleasantly surprised by his 6’4” stature, and he threw down some one-liners that actually made me laugh. I like to think of first dates as interviews, and this fella deserved a second one, ASAP. A prolonged hug and innocent smooch left us making tentative plans to hang out this weekend. Saturday rolled around, and after spending the day hiking, I found myself at least 40% excited to see this gentleman. While that might not seem impressive… it is. I hate small talk and dating. So, while the temptation of my hound dog and my new apple spice tea (LEAVE ME ALONE, I KNOW I AM 80 YEARS OLD) nearly led me to cancel, I channeled my inner “dater” and we set a time to meet. A few minutes later he sends over a text along the lines of, “I’ll most likely be intoxicated, FYI.”

Fellas. Here’s the thing. If you’re into a lady, think she’s kind of cute, might want to kiss her face, DO NOT GET DRUNK BEFORE YOUR SECOND DATE. There’s such a thing as class. And being a gentleman. And giving a fuck. Granted, I’m not a high maintenance gal. Anything traditionally romantic gives me the heebie jeebies. My high school boyfriend once filled my room with candles and poetry he wrote for me, and I nearly cried because I thought he was hiding in my closet to “surprise” me. It doesn’t take much to woo me, but I like men to at least give a little bit of a shit. I like them to at least pretend to make an effort to win me over. Needless to say, I sent a snarky text about being stone cold sober and choosing baking and my dog over him, and proceeded to have a lovely Saturday night in.

Moral of this story: if you are a normal, smart, handsome man who isn’t addicted to alcohol, please give me your number.

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Things Not To Say To Your Single Friend

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“It’ll happen when you stop looking”

This is probably the most condescending thing you can say to someone who is single. Honestly the next person who says this to me is going to get signed up for so many daily spam emails (the meanest thing I can imagine doing to someone). Sure, you met your SO when you were eating an ice cream cone while waltzing down the boardwalk and he complimented your Sandals and it was SO UNEXPECTED or someshit. I don’t know, but whatever magic moment that you weren’t expecting to happen or *seeking out* – your story has nothing to do with mine. How your life played out has nothing to do with mine. And what’s more, you feeding me this cliche line most likely cames from wanting to offer advice – whether or not I asked for advice or even your opinion in the first place. Hint: I probably didn’t.

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“You’re so great, how does every guy not want to date you?”

Oh how many times have I heard this from male friends who I used to make out with at one time. Or girlfriends who have given up on keeping track of who I’m dating at any given moment. There are probably many men who would want to date me, and just as many who think “hard pass.” That’s fine. This statement is one that’s just troublesome because it’s meant as a compliment but really it’s just like, well, no shit. I’m great. I know that, you know that, we’re friends so clearly you think that. Thanks for pointing it out? Now what? Can we get some pie?

“If you lost even a little bit of weight, you’d be out of my league”

I had a guy who was recently trying to sleep with me say this. Like, word for word. I can show you the message. This is another “oh, you’re trying to compliment me” moments that just left me fuming. So, you think I’m attractive despite how weigh. Well aren’t you a fucking sweetheart. Tell you what, I am out of your league “even though” I’m a size 12. Go have fun with your hand.

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“Are you even the marrying type?”

Like, what does this even mean?

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“I don’t know how you do it, I couldn’t be single”

Then don’t. I’m single because I choose to be in the same way you’re in a relationship because you choose to be.

“Why don’t you get off tinder and try meeting someone the old way?”

I get this one all. the. time. And again, the person inquiring doesn’t mean it to be condescending, but hey guess what, they are being just that. I have met guys I’ve dated “the old fashioned way” IE at a bar or a networking event or a coffee shop. But I’m also realistic and pretty practical: I actually like getting some of the small talk out of the way before I give up an evening. I have made the decision to put my profile picture out there on the internet for men to swipe. Don’t judge me for my decision just because it’s not the same one you’d make. It doesn’t make my dating life or relationships any less valuable than yours with that dude you met on the god damn boardwalk or your sister’s wedding. Let me live!

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“You must get so many free drinks!”

I also pay for so many drinks because one should never assume that the man will pay. Will I accept a drink or three? Yes, but I will just as quickly offer up my shiny blue debit card to buy us a round.

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“So are you seeing anyone special?”

No grandma, still no.