I’m a Real Life Trainwreck (In a Charming Way, I Promise)

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I promised I would respond to Trainwreck as a follow up to L’s real and raw post about how this movie hit close to home. Let’s start with my girl Amy. I love that she is an intelligent, hilarious, kick ass feminist who speaks her mind. If you have yet to read her speech about sex and self love, stop reading this and go do that. It’s much more eloquent than any of the dribble I’m throwing down at the moment.

So yeah, I loved the movie. It was delightfully raunchy and you knew from the opening credits exactly how it was going to end, just like any good romantic comedy. Of course she was going to get scared and lose him, only to do some grand gesture to win him back. Also, her dance moves were impressive. I spent a long time trying to find this song so I could dance around my room to it, pretending I also know how to shimmy and shake.

I don’t think any woman can go into a rom com these days and leave with high hopes… Or maybe it’s just my very pessimistic heart? Dating is the fucking pits, and the online sphere only makes it worse. Y’all, L and I have been writing this blog for MONTHS, and I’m in an even worse place than when we started. Maybe I’m more like Amy than I thought? Let’s outline THIS trainwreck so I can pretend that I have something to write about that is relevant to dating.

  • My on- demand boyfriend. That’s still a thing. I haven’t seen him for a month(ish) and I’m okay with it. I adore the shit out of him and he’s my go-to for random adventures, but I’m still in the same place. I’m not going to fall deeply in love with him and make him my lobster. If that were the case, it would have happened already.
  • All those boys that hold pieces of my heart? They still have little bits of me. Strings that they pull to remind me that they are still very much camped out in there. They remind me that for awhile I wore vulnerability a little bit better, and let some other hearts waltz with mine. All of that romantic nonsense that allows you to let your guard down and rely on someone for a large chunk of your happiness.
  • I think I now have a profile on any and all dating websites, and haven’t gone on a single date for approximately 9 months. I have made plenty of dates and I have cancelled on every single one of them. Yes, I am that girl. There is just so much about online dating that makes me tired. I will pull any excuse, knowing that I would rather find my next partner by accident. All those memorable ones from my past? They started out as eye flutters turned to friendships turned to long letters turned to love. I wooed them slowly. Dropped sass and sarcasm, thick as honey, until there was nothing left to say but yes. And they did. And when we fell into it we already knew the way each other laughed. They already knew how I like to make big plans (learn the banjo, bike across the country, quit everything and travel for a year) and that I get scared when actually faced with change. I like to ease into love. It takes time to break down these walls, and when you do… Boy oh boy, do I know how to love.

  • My distrust… It’s only grown. I was recently in a very interesting situation where a fella and I were flirting and I once again dabbled in that terrible and treacherous world of being the “other” woman. It was harmless, or I assumed it to be, until a very dear friend pointed something out to me. Choosing her words as carefully as she could, she reminded me that making these plans with a boy who was very much taken would only make my distrust grow. How easy it is to woo men away from those things they claim to love! Don’t worry, I stopped flirting with such a terrible idea. Perhaps that’s the first step in learning how to trust again? Or perhaps karma is reminding me that I have acted the part of the other woman, and perhaps my defeated and callused heart just won’t warm up again. But that is far too depressing to think about, and I think I still have some hope left.

Man oh man, that list definitely makes me sound like a trainwreck. However, this post isn’t asking the internet world for a pity party. Like I’ve mentioned in almost every single one of my posts, my life is full of very beautiful things. My time is well spent with family, friends, and making future plans… All of these things that create a colorful and beautiful life. For now, that’s enough.

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My On Demand Boyfriend

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I spent the past few days getting drunk off of wine and a handsome bearded man. I needed some time away from my city, and it just so happens that my friend-with-benefits was available for adventuring, so a late night trip to the Oregon coast became our weekend mission.

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I have written about this man (we will call him K) a couple of times, as I find our situation bizarrely perfect. We have always kept our hangouts simple—a night out at the bar, a concert, a movie, making dinner at the house, etc. This was our first multi-night trip, and god knows traveling with people always brings out interesting angles.

Let’s just say this weekend was magic. My close friends are convinced that K and I will fall out of casual and into something serious, because that’s how it’s supposed to work. They think that we are just being silly, and we actually want to date each other, fall in love, blah blah blah… False. Here’s the thing, I adore this man. We enjoy each other’s company and I REALLY like to look at his face. He is smart and funny and completely comfortable in his own skin. All of these things are true and wonderful and make him a great human being to spend time with. You know what else? I can go two months without seeing him and I don’t miss him.

He’s my on demand boyfriend and it’s perfect.

I have decided that we are setting an example of what a modern day relationship can look like. We live in a world of swipe “romance” (Tinder, you ruin everything) and severe grass-is-always-greener complexes. K and I are living proof that you can live your life how you want it, and then ring up your on demand companion when the mood strikes you. K and I spent the weekend acting like we were together. We held hands and talked about important things. We drank wine out of mugs and played card games. We listened to mix tapes and took late night beach walks. The romance is there, it’s just something we can turn on and off. We have a mutual understanding of what is between the two of us, and we are on the exact same page (THIS NEVER HAPPENS, BTW.)

Is he my forever lobster? No, probably not. But who knows if that even exists for me. As some one who believes in fighting against cultural norms and expectations, who says my happiness will come from some grand romance that sweeps me off my feet? You should all know by now I’m skeptical and guarded about true love, whatever that means. Perhaps the on demand option that is prevalent in every other aspect of our lives can translate into romance. Who says I have to have a partner in all things? I like the idea of having a fella whom I adore and admire “on call”.

Just how you used to play house when you were little, I’m playing relationship. For small stretches of time I pretend to be someone’s girlfriend, and then after a few days of that, I settle back into my routine. As someone who values alone time more than most, it’s the ideal situation. Even better? K is on the same page. We both believe in this unique partnership, and it means for two days everything was perfect. There wasn’t any question about what the weekend “meant”, it was just two people who like each other doing awesome things together. We don’t have to deal with the maintenance that makes a partnership so difficult. I can continue to be selfish with my time, knowing that if and when I need another escape, a date for a party, or an adult sleepover, K will be there.

A boyfriend on demand? I’m living the goddamn dream.

First Dates And What You Probably Shouldn’t Do

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In case you weren’t aware, C and I hate dating. Following the rejection I received from The Joker I was even less excited to date than I was before, which is pretty hard to top. Because many people have asked, no – I still haven’t heard from him. I’m usually right about most things in life except when it comes to my own personal life, but in this case I was really really right. My friend MF told me I should probably wait a week before writing about my dates, but that’s just not possible considering how impatient I am. Whoops! But enough about The Joker, let’s move the eff on.

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I temporarily disabled Tinder because I’m impulsive like that so I’ve been a smidge more active on other dating apps/websites. Do any of you realize how ANNOYING Zoosk is? Expect a full post about that down the road, don’t worry. My point is: if you’re single and only using Tinder, you should really branch out. The last few weeks I’ve been using Hinge – which is weirdly sort of like a combo of Tinder and LinkedIn and Facebook? You’re given a daily queue of potential matches and those matches are selected for you because you have friends in common with them. It makes for simple as pie Facebook stalking and provides for easy small talk like “how do you know so-and-so” and then you get to talk about the one time you got stupid drunk in a college dorm room with that aforementioned so-and-so. Yay small talk!

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Oh Captain, My Captain and I have a few friends in common so we met for drinks at Revolver – a bar with awesome lighting that spins great vinyl and charges too much for whiskey. That though didn’t stop me from drinking way too much of it. Yes, I got WAY too drunk on a first date. That’s like the cardinal sin of dating! You are never supposed to get as drunk as I was! The thing is I always forget that my signature drink order (cheap beer and good whiskey) actually is two drinks and NOT one drink. That’s like the simplest math ever, and still I didn’t realize that my three drink orders tallied up an actual alcohol count of SIX drinks. Guys, SIX DRINKS.  To give a great example of my behavior: I was so drunk that when we went to get dinner, I decided abruptly that I was too drunk to be in public and basically ran out the door! That is so totally not encouraged. I woke up the next morning, and after checking my text messages, I guess my drunkeness wasn’t a deal breaker? Maybe he likes girls that get sloppy drunk on first dates?

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Oh Captain, My Captain works in the shipping industry. He is bearded and stout and just generally handsome. He looks like he could chop wood and then go inside and cuddle a kitten. He can tell great stories and went on and on about how much he hates Steve Jobs which was kind of endearing. He’s the kind of guy who’s just a damn great first date – good at talking about himself, good at asking questions, confident, and apparently knows the importance of eye contact. I felt like I was sitting across from Hugh Jackman. Is that weird? Maybe I’m still drunk?

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Me, on the other hand, I’ve been a MUCH better first date than I was the other night. I talked about how one of the mutual friends we have in common is actually someone I used to date, THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD DO ON A FIRST DATE. I rambled on and on about my dad on several occasions, which I don’t think is very encouraged. I talked about how one of the karaoke songs I love to do is “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morisette because, and I quote, “I think it makes the balls of every guy in the room shrivel back into their bodies.” Why would any human on a date say that? Why? Oh and let’s not forget how I left the restaurant in the middle of our meal because I was too drunk, only to go BACK IN and kiss him? Did I mention that I definitely did that? Or at least I vaguely remember doing that, it’s all a little hazy. I make terrible decisions.

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I said and did many many stupid things on this first date, and yet maybe he finds bumbling drunk idiots endearing? Oh Captain, My Captain and I will go out again and I solemnly swear to drink less on our second date. Most likely. Maybe.