Baby Steps and Mini-Milestones

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I remember in high school celebrating monthly anniversaries was like a real THING. Couples would brag about each and every milestone, keeping a tally of each time they had flowers delivered during 2nd period. This isn’t high school and I’m 27 not 17 but still, I have a pretty big anniversary coming up in my adult life. Steve Martin and I are about to cross the 2 month mark and it’s embarrassing that I’m even keeping track of that. But there’s a neurotic reason for it, because of course there’s a neurotic reason for it. There’s a neurotic reason for everything in my life.


I had this realization when starting this dating blog with C – I hadn’t had a relationship last past 6 weeks in a shockingly long amount of time. The last time I had something pass the 2 month mark was almost 7 years ago. SEVEN YEARS. We had a different president! I wasn’t legally allowed in bars! Bon Iver was everyone’s favorite sad indie dude!


That relationship left me pretty scarred in a way I didn’t fully admit to myself until recently. While there have been men who I’ve said the nasty little “I love you” phrase to since The One Who Got Away left, those men never made it past the 6 week mark for a reason. When I started to feel strongly for Steve Martin, I did a little research. According to this incredibly reputable article I read (kidding, it’s probably trash), it takes roughly 7 weeks to fall in love with someone. What I knew subconsciously all along was proven after a simple google search: I was cutting and running before I got too far in over my head.


I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’m a control freak. I know, I know – shocking. With each man I’ve dated over the last few years, the relationship dissolved because I didn’t ever want to risk being as hurt, wrecked, and generally unlike myself as I was circa 2008. I’m good at being alone, I’m not good at being a weeping pile of human garbage. Option A is much more desirable than Option B clearly. I’m not a pretty crier for starters although I am very much a fan of angsty breakup music.


I’m not celebrating 2 months going strong with Steve Martin in some big stupid way, I’m a grown ass woman despite my love of teenage drama’s from ABC Family after all. But it’s nice to have tracked down a man who I love and who is a real partner through my all too numerous neurosis. He doesn’t seem to mind that I have no idea what to do when it comes to relationships or Batman video games. I hear that all this is worth the risk so we’ll see if you were all lying to me over the years or what.



Bragging Is For Lovers

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A funny thing happened at mine and C’s high school reunion: Instead asking me about my life or my work or the classic “so what are you up to these days,” most people wanted to know about my relationship or to talk about the dating blog. Shoutout to a male classmate who let it be known that he didn’t know I was funny until reading this. Thanks dude, guess that’s the reason you tried to light my hair on fire at a high school football game? Whoa, that got dark for a sec, sorry.


C, the perpetual charmer, got to dodge dating questions by professing she’s single because she hates everyone (which is mostly true because most people are hatable). Me on the other hand, I have no such escape route. I was left stammering about Steve Martin and our relationship and how great he is and it is.


The weird thing about being in a great relationship is my weird inability to talk about it in public.

I wonder if people would read/enjoy this blog if I just used it to document all the adorable shit that comes out of his mouth. Don’t you guys just want to know about the living nightmares C and I willingly take home? Do you really want to hear about how Steve Martin and I have danced in my tiny studio apartment to Foreigner, or how we go on bowling and hot dog dates, or the circumstances under which we exchanged “I love you” for the first time? Did you just puke in your mouth in a little? MY FEAR EXACTLY (that shit tastes terrible and I care about you).


Honestly, I’m way more comfortable talking about the negative things that happen in my dating life because they’re easier to make a joke out of. Loving someone is full of funny silly ridiculous moments too of course, but as I have yet to fart in front of him, they’re less straightforward to write about. The first fart story though is sure to be a doozy.

So while I yammered on about Steve Martin and the status of the blog to the people who brought it up at the reunion, it left me feeling really strange. Bragging about the unbelievably healthy partnership I’ve found just feels too good to be true. Some days he feels too good to be true. As someone who has lived a perpetual glass half empty keep your expectations low so you never get hurt if you can laugh through it you can live through it overall worst case scenario lifestyle, I don’t really know how to express this happiness stuff. But I’m working on it.