A Positive Post for a Change… #TexasForever

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A lot of my time on this blog has been spent complaining about men. My inability in finding a fella I want to date, the fact that I’d rather spend time with my dog, how I don’t trust them, etc. The thing is, I know some very amazing men, and it’s about time I added a positive spin from my side of the world.

Last week my pal came up from Texas. He is the reason that I stayed in Austin when every fiber of my being wanted to give up on that town. Initially, finding my rhythm down there was tough. I was broken in more ways than one. A part of my heart was in love with him, but most of my heart was just so thankful to find a friend. I could lean on him. His friendship, and my ability to open up to him, is why I gave Austin a bit of myself. Without his friendship I wouldn’t have found my lifelong soul mates in that warm and delightful town.

Our friendship is a two way street. I know he trusts me. He tells me things and values my opinion. We write letters to each other and I find joy in psychoanalyzing him. He tells me about his lady troubles and I ask him why I can’t seem to find someone that takes my breath away. I have these brilliant men in my life who I carefully stack into the best friend category. People always raise their eyebrows and say, “well, you’re clearly in love with him.”

You’re right, I am 100% in love with him. But I don’t want to make him mine. Perhaps it’s out of fear of losing him. I have lost best friends by taking that plunge, and it hurts. A deep ache that I would like to avoid. Perhaps it’s because the friendship I have with him is so much more important to me. Or, it’s because I know that dating him would drive me up the fucking wall. He’s wonderfully imperfect, and as his friend I find all of it charming. If I were to date him? I’m fairly certain we’d kill each other. My anxious type A personality would drive him insane, and his ability to over analyze EVERYTHING would make me push him off of something tall.

Old co-workers have always hinted at how they thought we would have gotten together, little pushes towards how we should at least give it a try. But to me, this man is in the category of men that I trust unfailingly. Why oh why would I ever mess with that?

His place in my heart is to be the brilliant, trust worthy, two stepping, guitar playing hippie that I give copious amounts of shit to. I tell him my issues, and he tells me his. We drink beer and dance. We share life plans, big ideas, broken hearts, and the grand adventures we both want to explore.

And I trust him.

I trust him with my brain, my heart, my friendship… To me, that is enough.

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I’m a Real Life Trainwreck (In a Charming Way, I Promise)

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I promised I would respond to Trainwreck as a follow up to L’s real and raw post about how this movie hit close to home. Let’s start with my girl Amy. I love that she is an intelligent, hilarious, kick ass feminist who speaks her mind. If you have yet to read her speech about sex and self love, stop reading this and go do that. It’s much more eloquent than any of the dribble I’m throwing down at the moment.

So yeah, I loved the movie. It was delightfully raunchy and you knew from the opening credits exactly how it was going to end, just like any good romantic comedy. Of course she was going to get scared and lose him, only to do some grand gesture to win him back. Also, her dance moves were impressive. I spent a long time trying to find this song so I could dance around my room to it, pretending I also know how to shimmy and shake.

I don’t think any woman can go into a rom com these days and leave with high hopes… Or maybe it’s just my very pessimistic heart? Dating is the fucking pits, and the online sphere only makes it worse. Y’all, L and I have been writing this blog for MONTHS, and I’m in an even worse place than when we started. Maybe I’m more like Amy than I thought? Let’s outline THIS trainwreck so I can pretend that I have something to write about that is relevant to dating.

  • My on- demand boyfriend. That’s still a thing. I haven’t seen him for a month(ish) and I’m okay with it. I adore the shit out of him and he’s my go-to for random adventures, but I’m still in the same place. I’m not going to fall deeply in love with him and make him my lobster. If that were the case, it would have happened already.
  • All those boys that hold pieces of my heart? They still have little bits of me. Strings that they pull to remind me that they are still very much camped out in there. They remind me that for awhile I wore vulnerability a little bit better, and let some other hearts waltz with mine. All of that romantic nonsense that allows you to let your guard down and rely on someone for a large chunk of your happiness.
  • I think I now have a profile on any and all dating websites, and haven’t gone on a single date for approximately 9 months. I have made plenty of dates and I have cancelled on every single one of them. Yes, I am that girl. There is just so much about online dating that makes me tired. I will pull any excuse, knowing that I would rather find my next partner by accident. All those memorable ones from my past? They started out as eye flutters turned to friendships turned to long letters turned to love. I wooed them slowly. Dropped sass and sarcasm, thick as honey, until there was nothing left to say but yes. And they did. And when we fell into it we already knew the way each other laughed. They already knew how I like to make big plans (learn the banjo, bike across the country, quit everything and travel for a year) and that I get scared when actually faced with change. I like to ease into love. It takes time to break down these walls, and when you do… Boy oh boy, do I know how to love.

  • My distrust… It’s only grown. I was recently in a very interesting situation where a fella and I were flirting and I once again dabbled in that terrible and treacherous world of being the “other” woman. It was harmless, or I assumed it to be, until a very dear friend pointed something out to me. Choosing her words as carefully as she could, she reminded me that making these plans with a boy who was very much taken would only make my distrust grow. How easy it is to woo men away from those things they claim to love! Don’t worry, I stopped flirting with such a terrible idea. Perhaps that’s the first step in learning how to trust again? Or perhaps karma is reminding me that I have acted the part of the other woman, and perhaps my defeated and callused heart just won’t warm up again. But that is far too depressing to think about, and I think I still have some hope left.

Man oh man, that list definitely makes me sound like a trainwreck. However, this post isn’t asking the internet world for a pity party. Like I’ve mentioned in almost every single one of my posts, my life is full of very beautiful things. My time is well spent with family, friends, and making future plans… All of these things that create a colorful and beautiful life. For now, that’s enough.

My “Love” Language (ha.)

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I KNOW. I KNOW. I AM TERRIBLE AT THIS.

Here’s your update… I don’t have one? I had such high hopes that this blog would push me to try harder, be more adventurous, be less cynical, etc. etc. As y’all know, L hit the jackpot and locked down a very handsome man that adores her. Kudos L, kudos. Me? Well, my heart is just not in it. I think this is due to a number of things.

Firstly, I have my on demand boyfriend. Say what you will, it’s the perfect situation in so many ways. We play house together when we are both feeling domestic, and I have someone to call on when I want to escape the city. We like each other’s faces enough to sustain this unique relationship for the past year, but the expectations are nonexistent. If he happened to fall head over heels in love, I would toast his heart, kiss him on the cheek, and wish him well. I know he feels the same. Until then, we will find comfort in each another, playing banjo in the backyard over Steve Martin songs, whiskey, and fresh coconut.

Secondly, I still don’t trust men. I realize that this is something I have to address and work on. I know that I’m the only person in control of this. I am aware, don’t worry. I also know that this isn’t something that will happen overnight (or over two years). It will take patience and resolve. For now I work on finding friends who are good men. They remind me that they DO exist. I don’t date these men because I’d rather be their lifetime friends. I have lost too many beautiful hearts to lose the few good souls I have found.

Thirdly, I don’t know if I want a relationship. My life is my family, my friends, my dog, my work. I know that when I find a man I want to make a life with, I will make time for him. I have done it in the past, so I know I’m capable. The problem is, since my last boyfriend, I haven’t found a fella I want to call home. Sure, I have found/dated/slept with a number of wonderful people, but none of them have been my wake-up-slow partner in crime. I have felt that before, and I won’t settle down until I feel it again. Call it picky, call it ridiculous, call it whatever you want. Until I feel the rumblings of love in the pit of my stomach, I will write casual on their name tag and continue the search for my lobster.

For now, I make due with silly situations. I have my on demand boyfriend, I have my inappropriate texts with off limits fellas, I have my weird attachment to a boy that I can’t pin down. I have my heart scattered among a number of different scenarios, none of which are traditional or “healthy” or run of the mill. Maybe that’s just it. Maybe I exist to flit and be single and remind men that women can be casual too. Maybe my existence on this earth is to have brief bursts of no- strings-attached romance. Perhaps I am meant to fling myself into the world and collect men and one off relationships like stamps. As L and I continue to wander through our versions of love, our stories are going to shift. She will focus on what it means to fall for a good and honest man and I will move further from traditional.

Who knows, maybe that IS my language of love.

Easy Isn’t Interesting

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I have a lot of real bad habits including but not limited to putting off doing the dishes, smoking too many cigarettes most nights, and of course dating the same sort of guy over and over again. This guy is normally bearded, always aloof, rarely sober, and never ever makes any effort to actually know me. It’s a recipe for disaster, but it’s a predictable disaster so it always felt safe. I knew how it would end.

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I know I have countless flaws and faults, but I really do strive to be better than the person I was the previous day. This whole dating blog has really pushed me to do different things and date smarter than I have in the past. I don’t want to be like hey you let’s talk about yet another one of my flings that I know going into it won’t result in any interesting, worthwhile conclusion.

But then sometimes I slip up and fall back into old routines…

This guy who I knew wasn’t right for me got and held my attention recently because of his apparent disinterest in anything below my surface. Well, that and of course a little  boredom on my part and his beard smelled like waffle cones (he worked for an ice cream shop, this wasn’t some weird beard perfume situation or anything). We had a short fling of mostly him making plans with me and then bailing and then me being like “no dude, move along, I’m not into it” and then me feeling bored again and allowing the flirtation to continue. Despite my better judgement. Did that sentence just annoy you because of my lack of commas? Imagine how annoyed at myself I was for willingly living it for a few weeks.

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Saying no / walking away isn’t my strong suit. In the past I’ve met guys at whatever place they’re in and just sort of let the relationship or lack thereof unfold around me. Oh he doesn’t want to date me but I’m spending most nights in his apartment? K cool I’m in. Oh he really wants to have a serious meet-the-family-too-soon relationship? K sounds good, let’s get uncomfortable. Since having my heart broken a few years back and basically being told “what you want isn’t a thing that’s going to happen” I’ve found myself being so passive and going for what is easy and non confrontational and least likely to get me hurt.

Here’s the thing: Easy isn’t interesting and basically letting guys walk all over me isn’t something I’m proud of. Easy doesn’t give you the butterflies. Easy doesn’t leave you wanting more as soon as possible. I think I’m finally outgrowing flings, something I never thought would happen. Or maybe I just have a crush on a cute new boy, who knows. Stay tuned.

Deal Breakers

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I joke all the time at the expense of one of my sweetest exboyfriends that studded belts are a deal breaker for me. He owned one and I hated it, but that obviously wasn’t the reason I broke it off with him. Until this week I would have been hard pressed to seriously give out any hard and fast deal breakers for myself (outside of things like racism or being way too religious obviously). Sure there are things I would prefer in a guy and of course rather they didn’t do/wear/etc, but with the right person none of those things matter. Our preferences go out the window when the right mix of pheromones or someshit waft our direction. Biology man, I don’t make the rules.

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Let’s talk about how I discovered that despite what I like to tell myself, of course there are things that will make me want to escape out the backdoor of a bar while on a date. I had not one but TWO first dates last week and both ended with a “pass.”

The first was with a guy who worked in marketing, had a great smile, and was very easy to talk with. It’s nice to meet people who work in your field and share the same sort of passions – He didn’t scoff when I rambled about Facebook analytics and knows that I don’t spend my day goofing off on twitter. It’s a real profession with weird things to stress over and even weirder things to celebrate and yeah it’s just nice to have a date person acknowledge that. ANYWAY, so this guy was super nice. But then all of a sudden he started talking about hiking and what a perfect second date that would be for us.

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Hold up for a minute: No?

Here’s the thing. In theory, I love hiking. I like leggings and comfortable footwear and the opportunity to look at birds other than pigeons. When it comes down to it though I’m just really more of the indoorsy type. Will I take a road trip to a National Park? Duh, I love and respect Teddy Roosevelt. Yay trees! But for a second date, do not take me out into the woods and expect me to climb up a large hill. Nah, I’m good.

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The other gentleman who I went out with I thought had potential. He was tall and had a great voice and is upfront in a way very similar to me. It started off fine, until politics came up. He joked about how he doesn’t really fit in in Seattle politically and I laughed and asked if he was a republican. He skirted around the question for a moment only to admit that he was in fact a libertarian. 10 minutes later I’m tuning out as he’s talking about Nixon…

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That however wasn’t even what killed the date. See, I can handle being mansplained on how politics work. Is it my favorite thing? Holy shit no, but hey at least he was passionate about something and is involved with the political process. What killed the date was the thing he tried to bring up in order to save the evening: Music.

The reason we were out on this date in the first place was because of my mention of The Postal Service on one of my online dating profiles. He went on and on about how much he loved the album, and I thought well, this guy must have decent taste in music. Update: he did not, or at least it’s just not compatible with mine. As he outlined his favorite bands and how amazing dance music is and his current obsession with Steely Dan, I waited for the server to bring us our check. Listen, I understand the appeal of dance music or even jazz rock – I’ve been to EDM concerts and a million music fests with eclectic lineups and one of my favorite friends is a DJ. I get it. But hey, it’s just not for me! And then he scoffed at my love of Beyonce and it was a done deal. Goodbye, game over, do not pass go.

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In college my friends used to tease me for the tumbleweeds I’d bring home. There were countless guys who looked homeless or barely had jobs or just all around weren’t good humans. I wasn’t picky because I knew it didn’t really matter. I still don’t think it matters most of the time because I don’t take dating too seriously and as I’ve said before, this is my year of fun. And it’s actually because of this whole year of fun thing that I’m changing my dating habits. It’s not fun to be out with someone you’re bored of or just plain not interested in halfway through a date. So outdoorsy EDM guys, sorry but I’m tapping out.

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