Dating 101 : Don’t Get Drunk

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Turns out I date men who love alcohol.

I blame it on the 20-something culture where being social means you’re drinking. Gloss over any state of discomfort with booze and you are golden.

Whatever the case, I’ve been with my fair share of men that had an unhealthy relationship with booze. Now, don’t get my wrong, I am known to imbibe. I have a weak spot for whiskey and beer, and it’s hard for me to turn down an invitation to grab drinks. That being said, I know my family history, I’ve heard the horror stories, and my type A personality has a firm grasp on where to draw the line. Approximately three times a year I put myself on a cleanse, which basically means I abstain from alcohol for a month, existing on a diet of vegetables, eggs, and little else. Fuck yeah I feel amazing. Fuck no it’s not sustainable. If there were ever a time to throw up one of those cliché cartoon magnets that says “life is too short to not eat chocolate and drink wine”, it would be now.

I recently met a man and we set our first date at a nearby pub. The banter was friendly, I was pleasantly surprised by his 6’4” stature, and he threw down some one-liners that actually made me laugh. I like to think of first dates as interviews, and this fella deserved a second one, ASAP. A prolonged hug and innocent smooch left us making tentative plans to hang out this weekend. Saturday rolled around, and after spending the day hiking, I found myself at least 40% excited to see this gentleman. While that might not seem impressive… it is. I hate small talk and dating. So, while the temptation of my hound dog and my new apple spice tea (LEAVE ME ALONE, I KNOW I AM 80 YEARS OLD) nearly led me to cancel, I channeled my inner “dater” and we set a time to meet. A few minutes later he sends over a text along the lines of, “I’ll most likely be intoxicated, FYI.”

Fellas. Here’s the thing. If you’re into a lady, think she’s kind of cute, might want to kiss her face, DO NOT GET DRUNK BEFORE YOUR SECOND DATE. There’s such a thing as class. And being a gentleman. And giving a fuck. Granted, I’m not a high maintenance gal. Anything traditionally romantic gives me the heebie jeebies. My high school boyfriend once filled my room with candles and poetry he wrote for me, and I nearly cried because I thought he was hiding in my closet to “surprise” me. It doesn’t take much to woo me, but I like men to at least give a little bit of a shit. I like them to at least pretend to make an effort to win me over. Needless to say, I sent a snarky text about being stone cold sober and choosing baking and my dog over him, and proceeded to have a lovely Saturday night in.

Moral of this story: if you are a normal, smart, handsome man who isn’t addicted to alcohol, please give me your number.

The Trouble with a Dating Blog: Volume 1

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I say volume one because surely there will be other things addressed on this issue, but this is the first pickle I find myself in.

The question I always turn over is when/whether to tell a guy I’m seeing/writing about that BTW I’m writing about him. I am terrible at keeping secrets so I’ve defaulted to telling a few of the guys after a date or two, mostly just because I’m a nervous talker I guess and so it ends up blurted out. Also I’m just big on getting things out in the open and this project isn’t something I’m particularly shy about. It’s splashed pretty publicly around all of my social media, so if a guy did even the smallest amount of digging they could find it easily.

That being the case, it’s still weird. Once a guy does know about its existence, I’m left feeling a little strange writing about him because I’m not sure if it’s a violation of his privacy or if it’ll ensure that there are no further dates or hell maybe he’s just enough of a narcissist where being written about is his end goal.

Remember how I mentioned I tend to overthink things? That paragraph just gives a peek into what my brain spins over before/during/after writing a post.

I’ve had several conversations with people where they don’t think I should ever tell a guy I’m seeing about the blog. That’s great until of course one of our mutual friends tells the dude about it before I get the chance to and/or they add me on Facebook and therefore are privy to all the neurotic thoughts that have been poured onto these pages. And that space between a rock and a hard place is exactly where I’m at right now.

I’ve been sitting on a blog post for a day or two but I’m nervous to post it. It says nothing negative about this man because I could not think of one negative thing about him if you paid me a million dollars. Hell, he wore socks and sandals on our date and still I can’t think of a negative thing about him because dammit he managed to make socks and sandals sexy. But see that’s actually the issue. Workaholics white dudes The conundrum I’m totally inventing here and probably isn’t really even a conundrum is that I want a third date with this guy, and raving about him publicly after only two dates is a scary thing to do (even though that’s basically what I did in that last paragraph). Dating blogs are weird, and writing about my thoughts/feelings about other people is still something I’m learning how to navigate through.

*20 minutes later after re-reading this post, OH WELL HERE IS THE POST I’VE BEEN NERVOUS ABOUT*

Holiday Dating is Annoying

Dating during the holidays is absolutely the worst. And no, not because of all the holiday expectations or the threat of having to buy someone a gift or any of the scary emotional stuff, but really I mean like practically: dating during the holidays is really hard. Thanksgiving, holiday parties, out of town friends coming home, more holiday parties, family events, errands, blegh so much of your time this season really just isn’t yours. Dating was slow for me over the last month, but I did squeeze one in before the madness really picked up.

In late November/early December, I started talking to this really handsome bearded man via Tinder. As it turned out, one of my favorite friends is also a friend of his, so I got to find out the dirt pretty early. And by dirt, I mean that my friend told me he is the NICEST guy and that if the conversation stalled during our date I should just bring up Harry Potter and then she sent me an article to read about how to date a Hufflepuff. I was totally prepped and ready for our first date and while yes Harry Potter did come up, it wasn’t because the conversation stalled. And my friend was completely right, he is the NICEST guy.

We’re going to call him Neville despite that he’s a Gryffindor because Neville’s my favorite and there aren’t many prominent Hufflepuff characters in the books (who don’t die or anything). Plus he’s the hottest character anyway so here we are. Well, second hottest – I like Sirius’ brand of disheveled. Sidenote: I promise this post isn’t going to be completely about Harry Potter, sorry if I’m freaking you all out. nev Anyway so after the our first date in early, December holiday hell kicked in and MAN was it impossible to get anything scheduled. That being said though, I was so impressed by Neville during that time. I feel like when things get busy, most people kinda tap out and fade away. Not him though, he continued to text casually which let me know he hadn’t forgotten about me. As someone who was very, very recently ghosted I can’t even begin to tell you how appreciated that was. It just made me feel like hey, he’s still there and life is busy this time of year but I shouldn’t write him off.

New Years Day rolled around and we fought through hangovers to have our second date – almost a full month after our first. One thing I like about Neville is that he’s just so delightfully adorable. Like when we got in his car, he was listening to Harry Potter on tape. And that he was a walking PNW stereotype, wearing flannel and wool socks and Birkenstocks. SOCKS AND SANDALS ON A SECOND DATE my eyes couldn’t believe it. And then after he dropped me off, he sent me easily one of the best post-date texts I’ve ever received. Handsome, kind, and a smidge nerdy? Yes please.

The first few dates with all the flirtation are so fun. Neville is an interesting guy and I’m looking forward to knowing him more. That’s something I want from this year of dating, more conversations and knowing people better.

Now comes the truly awkward aspect of this all: here I am writing about this guy on our dating blog and guess what? We’re friends on Facebook and therefore he knows about this blog’s existence. So hi Neville – let’s see if after reading this you still wanna have that next date you’d mentioned interest in…

Boo Ghosts!

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As someone who’s been single for basically a decade, I’ve experienced the gambit when it comes to weird situations that arise and a multitude of deal breakers and have done just about everything wrong that can be done wrong. But one thing that’s been especially frustrating to me is the concept of “ghosting.”

Gather round all ye people who haven’t been single for longer than a month! Ghosting is when you meet someone and everything’s going real well, and then they just stop responding or get aloof. It’s uncomfortable for the person getting ghosted because hi it’s terrible. I’ve been ghosted a few times now and really it’s served me well since it made me realize the importance of communication. If something’s not working out, just say it. It’s uncomfortable, but hey it’s not hurtful. You know what is hurtful? Being vulnerable and being ignored. Being hurtful intentionally is the worst and if you ghost people you should tell me so we can stop being friends. I mean it, if you ghost someone consider this our friendship breakup letter.

 

I was having drinks with a male friend a little while ago, we’ll call him Bruce Willis, and I was explaining recent situations I’ve put myself into – notably about the noggin-scratcher confusion that’s happened with the Joker. Things were going well! There was potential! And things have been helter skelter terrible ever since our 5th date. I lamented about how he just disappeared and how terrible of a note we left things on, and Bruce Willis made an excellent point: life happens and I might never know what was going on that led him to that behavior.

The thing with ghosting that drives me bananas is that it’s just so sudden and seemingly without reason. However, it only seems that way since I’m on the receiving end – the person ghosting always has their reasons. Bruce Willis pointing this out made it even easier to stop wondering about the Joker, because oh well! Really, oh well. And then out of the blue he texted me. Men have a god damn radar, I swear. Small talk lasted about 5 minutes before this happened and I immediately took a screenshot and sent it to 7 of my closest friends because WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

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You guys. YOU GUYS. I could not make this shit up if I tried. Also, my reaction is proof that I am Chandler Bing and cannot react to any situation appropriately.

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We continued to talk for a very long while and he answered all my questions very openly and honestly. We ended up sitting in my kitchen eating a microwave burrito and talking about Chinese food casserole, before watching “You’ve Got Mail” because Nora Ephron makes everything better and less ridiculous.

Now, you’re probably thinking: “Great L, he owned up to what’s going on! And you’re both aware of his situation! And you made him promise to not disappear again! And hey he left his hoodie at your apartment so that means you HAVE to see him again!” Well kids, here’s the thing: I am not an optimist, I’m a realist. I don’t expect good things to happen, I expect realistic rational things to happen.

This post doesn’t have a conclusion. It’s more of a “State of the Union” address. Right now things could go either way. We could start dating and being honest with one another, or he could Houdini again because life is chunky and complicated and he’s trying to figure out how to be a father. At the end of the day though no matter what direction this goes towards, I have an answer. I have a reason. He’s not a ghost, he’s a guy with life happening. But maybe next time he’ll be more honest, and maybe if you’re a ghost you’ll do better next time too. DO BETTER NEXT TIME EVERYONE, do me a favor and make that your dating/life goal in 2015.

I share my bed with a pile of clean laundry and some unpaid bills.

Guest Posts!

Guest Post: Jill

I sort of buried the lead there. I’m actually not that sure I’m using that phrase correctly. But I’m going to assume I’m right without doing any research and prepare to defend my position haughtily and without restraint because that’s the American way.

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I have not been in a relationship since I accidentally fell in love with a boy called Adam just over 10 years ago. You read that right, I was 17. Most people would say to that, “High school doesn’t count.” Those people have probably had numerous relationships since high school and it is their prerogative to reframe their memories however they see fit. They can also s my d because for me, it counts. Since then I’ve had a series of non-emotional sexual relationships, or non-sexual emotional relationships. This is one of those confusing “two halves don’t make a whole” scenarios. Like it’s math, but it doesn’t add up. Getting an A in Algebra 2 when I was in 9th grade led me to believe I understood basic addition. Thanks a lot, Mr. Gruen.

The other problem with Adam is that he was too great. I hate saying that because we’re still friends, he might read this, and he has never suffered from low self-esteem. But seriously, when you’re a teenager and you get to date the best looking, coolest, most talented guy in school – it kind of ruins you. Like I’m not even interested if we aren’t chatting over AIM making plans to go to the drive-in or something. But I digress.

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Recently, I endeavored to fucking go for it and be someone’s girlfriend. My reasoning was 3-fold: I liked him. I wanted a boyfriend. He wanted to lock it down. I was swept up in his eagerness to be exclusive, because that had literally never happened to me before. The short version of this tale is that it didn’t work out.

It began:

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And then it un-began:

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It is super possible that I’m not in the correct life place or head space to be in a successful relationship. A really honest version of my dating profile might say “Fat-ish, but good shaped. Extremely vain – borderline self-obsessed. Has so many best friends and close family members you will never learn all their names. Doesn’t like to do outside-y things, does like to drink expensive alcohol and play games and talk and talk and talk. And sleep. Work schedule is inconsistent. Relatively poor. Will usually have sex with you, but not during the daytime.”

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The truth is, I (as most people are) am deserving of a perfectly complimentary other half. I also know that I am, and always have been, perfectly happy on my own. Plus interacting with humans on an emotional level is dangerous, confusing, and terrifying. I hear it can also be exciting, magical and rewarding. Future Jill will have to let me know if that’s true. We can’t all have dat fairy-tale lyfe, but dreams are things.

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Fool Me Twice

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Ready for a dating update? Shocker alert- The Joker made a reappearance. You see, glaring silence just isn’t acceptable. So I did what you should never ever do and reached out about 2 weeks ago, and casual conversation began again and then just as quickly as it started, it stopped again. Without warning. After I revealed some very exciting life news, he legit just didn’t respond. In this post, you’re probably going to learn a few things about me – the first being that literally the worst thing someone can do to me is ignore me. Like really, if you’re brainstorming a list of “Ways to Hurt L” just don’t pay attention to me. It’s really that simple. I’m THAT much of an attention-whore.

After his lack of response to my aforementioned exciting life news, I was actually done. I wasn’t going to send a “hey see I can be funny and charming and friendly even when you’re an asshole and obviously read my text BECAUSE WHOA YOU HAVE READ RECEIPTS TURNED ON but haven’t responded in 4 days” follow up text. And guess what, I didn’t. I didn’t reach out and I was too hurt by his silence to even stalk his social media accounts just to make sure he hadn’t died. Update – he didn’t die, and I know this because he sent me a text the day after Thanksgiving. The text was a bullshit opener that I should have ignored considering he hadn’t spoken to me in 7 days, but guess what! I can’t ignore people – it’s just not good manners. Like c’mon, the simplest thing in the world is to respond to a text message.

So on Black Friday, The Joker and I started talking again. About mindless small-talky things but we were talking. And we kept talking through Sunday when he came over to my apartment with champagne and orange juice and a lightbulb to fix the one that had burnt out in my closet 28 days earlier. We spent the afternoon rearranging my apartment to accommodate the 6 foot tall faux Christmas tree my mother felt it necessary I own. He then offered up great ornament arrangement advice (No, I did not put all my disco ball ornaments on the same branch, but I appreciated the feedback). We watched the LCD Soundsystem documentary and did some canoodling and basically it was the perfect Sunday. He left to go watch a local sports team win but still lose (soccer is confusing), and I spent the rest of the day texting my girlfriends about my poor decision making habits because I did what everyone tells you not to do – I gave the guy a second shot. I have a long history of doing this and weird, it literally has never worked even one singular time.

Girls: Don’t do what I did. Don’t let a dude who was an asshole to you in the very recent past into your apartment slash life just because he’s nice to you for 4 days in a row. That’s just dumb, and we should all know better. And yet, here I am telling you another story about crashing and burning with the same guy.

Once the game was over, he invited me to his apartment to watch a movie I hadn’t seen before (which is most movies because hi if it’s not a romcom or Jurassic Park I probably haven’t seen it). We then proceeded to watch 2 hours of music videos by the likes of Mariah Carey and Boys II Men and Har Mar Superstar and he sloppily sung along into my ear on the couch. It was adorable, and guys doesn’t this story make it sound like everything was going great! Well it was, until he started talking about the other girl he’s seeing and went on and on about her. By “on and on” I mean it probably only lasted about 30 seconds before his face dropped and he realized he was talking about being with another girl while I was literally still in his bed.

Mom – if you’re reading this, please stop reading this dating blog forever and ever.

Here’s the thing: I don’t care that he’s dating someone else. It’s fine that he’s seeing other people because uh I’m a rational human and exclusivity is a conversation between two people and shouldn’t ever be assumed especially considering I’ve only known this dude existed for the last 30 days. I don’t care that he’s seeing someone else, what I care about is what happened next. He basically shut down. Actually not basically, he totally shut down. He knew he’d just said something shitty and had hurt my feelings, and instead of reacting and attempting to salvage the situation, he shuttered himself. We could have had a conversation about it like adult people but nope, he just stopped talking. I did what I always do and tried to reassure him that it was fine because that’s what I wanted to happen. I wanted him to pull me in and kiss me and for us to just scoot over that snafu and talk about it over drinks a day or two later. But nope, he laid in bed with his hands covering his face and didn’t say another word as I collected my belongings in the dark. He didn’t make a single move to stop me – and THAT my friends is what really hurt. I walked the 2 blocks back to my apartment at 1:30 in the morning feeling just really really shitty about myself.

As I’m writing this, I realize that I probably sound like a really needy female. Based on my perceptions only and not founded on any particular research, when women “complain” about dating or men or being treated poorly, it’s considered silly or trivial. Talking about my feelings is something the men I’ve dated have conditioned me not to do because I tend to date emotionally stunted withholders. Hi all my exes reading this, sorry if I just told you something you didn’t know about yourself! I don’t want to be that girl who talks about her issues/feels/hurts and be vulnerable, I want to be the girl who can just move on with it and get over it and hey let’s make a joke about this in 2 weeks. These days, I’m trying to be more of both those girls because I think that’s a whole hell of a lot more balanced. I will poke fun at myself when I’m being a neurotic emotional mess, but I also really want to train myself that it’s okay NOT to poke fun at myself when I’m feeling defeated and sad and disappointed.

So right now I don’t feel like being funny. Dating isn’t funny when actual feelings are involved and those actual feelings are hurt. The reason people always advise you not to give someone a second shot is because of situations like these. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because he made me laugh and has great taste in music and is so so handsome.  Frankly even now while I throw myself a pity-party I still want to give him the benefit of the doubt because he’s a self proclaimed mess. As the daughter of a former housecleaner, I want to clean up messes. It’s basically in my DNA I think. That’s how DNA works I’m pretty sure.

This morning after I spent some additional time wallowing and listening to sad-girl music, he texted to apologize for drinking too much and saying something that hurt my feelings. So here I sit, wanting to give this handsome funny mess of a man more of my interest because another thing you should know about me: I don’t really know when to quit. Despite what I like to tell myself.

Sometimes Singledom Sucks.

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As has been said before, I’m a huge fan of being alone. I have no problem eating alone at a restaurant (although I always always prefer to-go because HELLO that way you can watch Netflix while you eat your thai food!). Going to events solo isn’t a phobia I possess because I have some killer social skills. And because I have a dog, I have someone to snuggle literally every night. It’s not a bad situation, this singledom I rule. See what I did there – kingdom/singledom? So clever, I know.

People like myself who have been single for basically forever will be the first to defend their relationship status – to prattle off about how much they enjoy it or how they function better solo or how they don’t want to be in a relationship. All of those things are true, probably, and I’m not arguing them by any means. I just want to have some L real talk for a minute. It’s Saturday night, and I’m a little lonely. It’s Saturday night, and I really want to flirt with someone. It’s Saturday night, and I’m going on 20 days with a burnt out lightbulb in my closet and I can’t fix it because I’m too short to reach it. Tonight being single sucks.

C and I have a very tongue in cheek opinion on dating and we try to not take it too seriously. I consider each date I go on to have potential – either a potential story or a potential next date. Both are results I’m perfectly happy with, so here we are, writing a dating blog. But I think I’m personally a little freaked out to admit is this: I want this to work. I realized recently I actually want to feel passionate about something other than my favorite band. I want to date someone and feel that exciting beginning feeling. And clearly by admitting this all, I’m proving that I’ve been listening to WAY too much Taylor Swift this weekend. Have you listened to “Wildest Dreams?” I literally almost started crying on a sidewalk today while out with my pup. Told y’all, this is a real talk moment!

I was at a bar last night, and this friend I haven’t seen in a million years and I got to talking about this little blog we’re running and he asked how we go about planning our topics (the exact question was different but that’s the jist of what I remember so dear sir I apologize if I’m mis-quoting you!). I explained that for me personally, I take whatever I’m moved to write about and then set out to explain a central thesis. And of course I want to make it humorous because hi that’s my defense mechanism, have you noticed that yet? Good. Glad we’re being honest. I explained that I never wanted to write for the sake of writing. But here I am on a Saturday night, and there’s no central point I’m trying to make here about dating. I’m just rambling on and on and it’s getting a little uncomfortably “feel-y.”

So let’s try this for a point. Sometimes being single isn’t the funny, fun, exciting thing I do my best to make it out to be. Sometimes you want to celebrate good news with someone kissing you. Sometimes you want to have Sunday plans with a thing/person other than the Seahawks. Sometimes having an automatic date to a holiday party is so appealing. And sometimes, you’re too short to reach your closet’s lightbulb and just really need a fucking hand. Sometimes being single is shit, and I don’t know I just want you to know that sometimes I know it’s not funny and hey girl, hey man, I see you and get it.

I Can Take a Hint

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If you’ve been reading along, you know that I met a guy last week I was calling the Joker. He’s funny, possibly funnier than I am. And he’s incredibly handsome. And he’s a great kisser. And after a week of dates, I’m 90% he’s just not that into me. And no, for once this isn’t me overthinking something, it’s just the painfully honest truth. When a guy doesn’t want to make future plans and suddenly isn’t as flirtatious as he has been in the very recent past, it’s time to just assume the worst and start dreading running into him at the market and the gym and your various local haunts. That’s the problem with going out with someone who lives close to you, the opportunity for awkwardly running into them when you look like absolute shit increases like whoa AREN’T YOU EXCITED FOR ME?!

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I’m not a glass half full person, and since the first good date with The Joker I had a feeling it was going to be a short and sweet experience. Maybe it’s just easier to assume it won’t work out once I start to like someone. When you’re constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and for them to change their mind, it’s less surprising when it actually happens. In the case of The Joker, it was just all too easy. The flirtation came naturally, and the banter was great. He was forthcoming about liking me and wanting to see me. And I didn’t feel like I was pushing or trying too hard. I just honestly thought we were off to a good start. But, as I said, when someone doesn’t want to put another date on the calendar, that’s a great sign that it’s time to stop expecting a sweet text message to start your day. I’m clearly all about just expecting the situation not to pan out, leave me alone about it!

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Rejection is a great thing to expect. It’s better to expect the worst from another human, because it’s not going to work out with the vast majority of them anyway. Maybe you’re wondering what went wrong here, and why I’m being negative? The truth is that with most dating experiences, you’ll never know and in this case I have no idea. Maybe he read this blog and thinks I’m a nut job (completely possible). Maybe he met someone else on Tinder or hell in real life who is smarter and funnier and prettier (completely possible). Maybe he needs more time alone and thinks I’m a bit much (completely possible). Maybe he just didn’t think our last date watching football and eating BBQ was that great and so therefore why make another set of plans (completely possible). I could hypothesize this shit all damn day and I probably will in my head, but I won’t here. Things just don’t work out how you’d like them to, and that’s just how dating works.

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Rejection and disinterest are a natural part of dating. Just as natural as butterflies after a fantastic second date and wondering how your breath smells right before you kiss him for the first time. Maybe I’m wrong and I’ll hear from The Joker soon and we’ll have a great 4th date, but in the meantime I’ll be playing my favorite rejection theme song and doing a lot of dancing in my studio apartment. There’s plenty of fish in the sea and it was only a week and who cares on to the next one! Do I have you convinced I’m not that bummed? Good. Now to convince myself.

Mistakes I Make with Men!

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I’m a creature of habit. I like starting my day by pressing snooze 3 times, missing my early bus, eating chopped salads from the restaurant below my office regularly, and ending my night with a very full glass of wine and 4-6 Camel Blues in the alley behind my apartment. Something I noticed this week is that I’m also a creature of habit when it comes to my dating habits, I.E. I seem make the same mistakes over and over when it comes down to it.

I had date numero two with a man I’m really struggling to find a codename for. I could call him Lord of the Flies because of a very funny fruit fly story he told me. I could call him the Alaskan because that’s his home state. I could call him The Rebound because that’s what I’m afraid I am since he’s so fresh off a breakup (something I still haven’t had the nerve to somehow bring up in conversation). I could call him a lot of things, but I think I’ll wait until something really really fits. Date two involved nachos, great whiskey, RoboCop, and so much laughter and affection. Confession: I like him, and thus I’m in my own personal version of hell.

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Since our first date Monday evening, I’ve been making my friends pretty nuts probably. This has become something they’re pretty damn familiar with because I tend to exhibit the same (bad) behavior with what feels like every man I date. Since this is a blog about dating, let’s talk about some of my terrible dating habits!

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Overanalyze This Text With Me Please

“He texted me LOL in response to my texts twice in a row, ugh he totally found that blog post I wrote about Facebook stalking and thinks I’m a nut job.” – A real statement I made to at least 6 people this week, following a text exchange with the new guy. If I like someone, I will look for lines to read between and immediately go for the worst possible underlying meaning. In this case, I knew he’s not a work-texter! We’d talked about it on date one! But that common sense conclusion wasn’t where my head went. Nope, it was sending a screenshot to my 4 closest girlfriends and two separate guy friends because overanalyzing is a group sport! My head runs away from me when I like a guy, and the anxiety it causes has obviously shaved years from my life.

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Fools Rush In

It’s mortifying, but in previous relationships tend to fall hard and I fall fast. I have gone from zero to inseparable over the moon happy with many a man, and I know it’s not the healthiest behavior probably. I want to know everything, feel everything, experience everything as quickly as possible it seems and rather than going with the flow, I manage to zoom into a relationship only to zoom out of it just as quickly. I apparently don’t know how to take it slow, and I really want to learn how to do this without falling into the “let’s bang all the time but not introduce one another to friend-groups okay sound good” pattern that I’ve also been known to develop with emotionally unavailable men. Why is it one or the other? Why? Someone tell me dammit.

Too Emotionally Available

Along the lines of “Fools Rush In,” I have no game. Like in theory I totally know how to play the dating game, I grew up reading Cosmo for pete’s sake! But knowing how to do something and actually doing it are two different things come to find out. What it boils down to is that I think not saying exactly what I’m feeling or thinking is just a waste of time. This leads to wine or whiskey fueled “I like you” or “Let’s see each other again soon” confessions! I hear to some people this is a good thing, my whole bluntness schtick, but it also makes me feel emotionally slutty and vulnerable which then makes me feel so uncomfortable and barfy. Yes, barfy! And I’m not just using that term because I drank too much whiskey with the new guy last night and paid for it all damn day.

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Date two is in the books with the man who I might just call The Joker due to how much he makes me laugh and his affinity for Batman. I think I could potentially trick him into third despite my many, many bad dating and life behaviors. I’m sure it won’t be better than nachos and RoboCop, but a girl can hope. Ugh I like him, make it stop!

The Potential Dangers of Cyber Stalking

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L Preface: this isn’t an educational blog post about the dangers of the internet. This is just a cautionary tale of how my head has sometimes gotten away from me and done a bit of spin work because the internet is oh so powerful and Google is a thing that exists! BS I’ve had a bit of a dry spell in the dating world following the DILF. It’s not that I haven’t been out there – I’ve been swiping right and messaging back and smiling at men in bars and on buses, but there just hasn’t been anyone who’s really made me want to venture out into the wild to endure small talk. For example, I matched with a cute guy this past weekend and within the first 7 short messages we exchanged he let me know how much he absolutely hated being alone. In the great words of the oh-so-wise Paris Hilton: Don’t be desperate. But last week a man messaged me about my picture with Chuck Klosterman, has the conversational skills necessary to keep my attention, and has yet to reveal needy tendencies. Guys, a white whale! Online dating pro tip: pictures with celebrities and baby animals are great for an opener, apparently. Bun Messaging on Tinder led to a phone number exchange, led to making plans to watch the Seahawks game, led to texting all weekend about things like Harry Potter and Nascar. Sunday rolled around and confession: I woke up late and didn’t want to shower, so I asked to reschedule. We both watched the game without pants on, drinking cider in our separate apartments, and texting during each play – commiserating over how terrible the Raiders are and how awful our offense is. He didn’t hold it against me for canceling, but he didn’t let me forget that it was my fault we weren’t watching the game together. The guy has spunk, and I love spunk. Oh and he let me know he owns the entire HP series on Blu-Ray which makes him potential dating gold. HP 2 Now, one of the joys of meeting online is creating your own online profile: you’re given the ability to craft a persona and reveal slices of your life via photos and short descriptions. I openly knew walking into our date last night to watch Monday Night Football a few things about him. I knew that he’s in his 30s and from Alaska. I knew we have some crossover interests like dive bars, records, and whiskey. And I of course knew he was witty and sharp via our light hearted text-banter. Now, one of the unspoken joys of meeting online is also the pre-emptive cyber stalking you can do prior to a first date. I know I’m going to seem like a nut job, but I’m just about 100% certain everyone does it. I once went out with a guy and prior to our first date my best friends had found not only all of his social media profiles, but gone above and beyond to find all the social media profiles of his most recent ex-girlfriend. Women and men who grew up in the age of social media are potentially better than the CIA when it comes to “research” abilities. We will dig, and most of the time we’ll find at least one point of curiosity or red flag about you via your online self. Penny In the case of last night’s first date, I only went so far as Facebook. Because the banter had been so good and I was actually excited to meet him, I really didn’t want to know too much (not my normal behavior). My very light Facebook research suggests that he’s pretty fresh off a breakup. This obviously has been drilled into every single girl as a “red flag,” a warning sign of epic proportions. We’re educated and socialized to think that someone off a recent breakup won’t want to commit or will cry during sex or will be completely damaged by their recent uncoupling. Dating pro-tip: Anyone can potentially have commitment issues or cry during sex or be completely damaged by a previous relationship. Recent breakup or not, everyone has baggage. Facebook and other social networks can just help to create red flags where there may not in fact be any. Mindy 1My date watching Monday Night Football turned into us not paying attention to the game until the 4th quarter because we were busy talking about important things like nachos and his new job at one of our fine city’s mega-companies and my one and only trip to Alaska. 2 hours flew by and were full of wonderful and quick banter, which is like my version of crack cocaine. I didn’t even realize how badly I was losing my Fantasy Football matchup! The date didn’t end with a kiss, but upon my arrival home it did end with a smiley face from him – a texting red flag to some, but a great sign to me. I’m sure his recent breakup will come up in conversation if conversation continues, but I’m not writing him off yet just because he hypothetically might not be over his last girlfriend. As long as the flirtation continues, so will the dating. Or at least that’s the hope – fingers crossed for a second date. Good-luck-reaction-gif Oh, and fingers extra crossed I’m wrong and not everyone internet-stalks dates because if so, homeboy found my very public twitter feed and thus this blog, and WHOOPS… Have we talked about how this blog could be a total dating deal-breaker yet?

Week 5 Recap: ExSex and Work Love (Not as Exciting as it Sounds)

C post, L post

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We’ve officially been writing for over a month, and can I be a total dork and just say thank you to everyone who’s been reading? C and I are having a lot of fun, and it’s weird but I’ve already learned and confirmed some things about what I’m looking for in just this short amount of time.

I’ve learned from sometimes I just don’t care. This week I sucked! I ignored messages from guys, stopped swiping right, and just plain didn’t feel like talking. I ate pizza and didn’t go to the gym, and I regret nothing. C and I set out here vowing commitment to one first date a week, but come on, commitment is my biggest fear. Other than sharks. But, as I said, I. Regret. Nothing. Do I wish I would have had the opportunity to flirt with a stranger? Of course. But sometimes cheese is just as enjoyable (and let’s be real, sometimes a lot more enjoyable).

Girls eat

I’ve learned that not all first dates will end by making plans for a second. In the past almost all my dates have resulted in a second or third or 10th date. This past month though the majority haven’t and side hugs happen. A first date I went on recently was with a total babe. Homeboy had a mun! Unfortunately though it didn’t go as I’d dreamed… AKA we didn’t end the night by making out in Ballard and I didn’t have the opportunity to ask what kind of conditioner he uses, which is all I really want from a date. The making out, not the conditioner advice. So I guess he was the MUN that got away. GET IT?! You see I say things like that and sing along to Maroon 5 sometimes, so that’s probably why I’m not cool enough to date someone with a mun who lives in Ballard.

Girls Maroon 5

I’ve learned that sometimes I’ll backslide with an ex and everyone will be okay. Since starting this blog, I “rekindled” things for a night with a guy I dated a while back. You can read between the lines there because someday my mom or god forbid my dad might read this blog and I’m not ready to come out and say it. It won’t be happening again, but I was relieved that when he left I didn’t feel guilty and he didn’t feel hurt. It was mutually beneficial and of course mutually enjoyable, so at least there’s that.

6YGxxNn

Lastly, I’ve learned (confirmed) that I’m pretty great at reading people. The last few weeks that I was seeing the DILF, while I enjoyed getting to know him, I could tell it wasn’t really going to go anywhere. From the beginning, I was aware he wasn’t in a place to really be dating. I mean, his separation from his wife is still pretty fresh (this sentence shows that I’m dating real adult men and that is TERRIFYING) and he has some baggage. Which might be an understatement. But what was different about this situation is he wasn’t at all interested in sharing his baggage. That made it impossible to really know him, and thus impossible to really date him. We ended our tryst very amicably last week and I really do feel like we’ll remain friends. Sorry to disappoint everyone hoping for future DILF stories, but stay tuned since I like the idea of dating a guy who’s already had someone else push out their offspring.

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Remember how I said I was bad at dating? Yeah… that’s still a thing.

In my defense, I moved into a new house, went out of town, and then launched a new product at work, so my time for dating was in the negative. I realize those all sound like excuses, and they absolutely are. I don’t like dating, remember? Instead of reiterating how much I dislike the first date/meeting randos from the internet, I will talk about the SUPER healthy relationship I have with my job. Ew?

Case in point: I was chatting with a somewhat cute (you can never tell) fella on OKC. Just your typical back and forth banter where you try to convey a wink/eyelash flutter/whatever via words. It was going alright. True, I forgot to reply to his message for a few days because I forgot he existed, but I think that’s a case for a lot of ladies who are inundated with “I like you”, “let’s meet”, “you’re hot” messages. Honestly guys, let’s work on creativity, shall we?

I DIGRESS.

Back to the point, he basically gave up on me because in his words, “you seem too busy for me, have a nice day.” Straight and to the point, I’ll give him that. And yes, this is a problem of mine. Thank you for pointing that out, random OKC dude. A darling friend of mine in Texas once told me that if I ever want to be happy with a boy, I’ll have to actually make the relationship a priority. I’ve never been one to put the fella first. Not then, and not now. I guess that’s why the few good ones I did have finally burnt out after years of falling below my family, friends, dog, job, etc.

Meh? Too bad? Yeah, I probably work too much. But I love my job, and if I’d rather work than go on a first date… well, that says something. Perhaps the entirety of my 20s is meant to be a time where I put myself first, and worry about finding a partner second (or third, or tenth…) I have always chalked it up to selfishness, but fuck that. It’s not selfish to put yourself first, especially if you’re happy where you are in life, partnered or alone. God damn, this “dating” blog just turned into more of a “screw dating, I’m going to do whatever I want, whenever I want.”

Wasn’t I supposed to learn something in this process? You can’t teach a stubborn gal new tricks… or something.