Dating on a Diet

I am known to do crazy food challenges.

Not like “I hate my body and will only eat celery” diets, but I’m a sucker for a good juice cleanse. People in my office already are at the eye rolling point when I pull out my green juice and claim my “Sober September” as an excuse for not joining in on 4 pm wine hour.

I think I need a challenge every once in awhile or you’ll find me shoving all the popcorn/whiskey/beer and chocolate in my face. What does this have to do with dating? Calm down. I’m getting there.

Have any of YOU tried to go on a blind first date stone cold sober? Yeah… it’s a thing that people do, and I don’t recommend it. That’s not to say I’m shit faced and slurring words when I meet the guy, but there’s nothing quite like a pre-date beer to calm the nerves. That way, if they carry on for a solid hour about asinine bullshit you don’t care about (I know, I know… I’m the worst) you can keep your hands and brain busy.

Sweet, sweet alcohol… it dulls the senses and lowers the standards. What was a 4 turns up to a 7. It causes me to lean in closer, flutter my eyelashes, and I might even kiss the guy if it’s a two-drink kind of night. GETTING CRAZY Y’ALL.

So when L and I decided to dive into dating, it was in the middle of my Sober September and I had just started the Whole30. If y’all don’t know what that is, just imagine eating only vegetables and eggs for 30 days straight, and that’s basically where I’m at. This means I’m the crazy lady who, when asked to go to dinner, stated, “I would love to, but can we go to a place where legumes, dairy, sugar and grains of any sort aren’t on the menu?”

…

Yep, I’m sure I’m one giant red flag to a lot of dudes. No one wants to date the high maintenance ones who require so many extra steps it’s easier to just throw a bag of spinach at them and call it a day. At first, I was steering the dudes away from any sort of dates involving eating. They’d ask me to dinner and I’d say, “I see your dinner and I raise you one glass of dandelion tea.” WORKS LIKE A CHARM. Nothing says total babe like detox beverages, am I right?

Then I said fuck it. Here’s the thing, I’m going to continue to cleanse every once in awhile. I don’t have to explain it to my eye-rolling pals, and I most certainly don’t have to justify it to a random dude from the internet. When asked to dinner recently, I clearly outlined the restrictions of my diet and the fella not only researched and found a restaurant, I didn’t see or hear ANY shit about it.

And that, my friends, is how you score a second date with this kale and beet-loving weirdo.